Why Me?

By Marco Cucci

“Why me? I feel so alone. I can’t do this anymore. These girls, they don’t know me. Do my friends even know me? Who are my real friends? I have no one to turn to. Not my parents, not my teachers, and definitely not these girls. Here comes the bus. I wonder where I’ll have to sit today. I wonder where I’ll sit at lunch. I can’t do this anymore. I hope it’s not next to them, or even worse, her! Did everyone see that email? I wish this could all just go away- the backstabbing, the lies, the name calling and worst of all, the rumors. I can’t do this anymore.”

These are not just the words of one girl, but of many. For today’s youth, these feelings are not uncommon. They are brought on by an indirect, non-physical form of bullying; a form that many say is becoming increasingly devastating. Although this is nothing new, it is only now getting the attention and education it deserves. This type of emotional bullying, common among young girls is called “relational aggression.” Using relationships to tease or harm another person, relational aggression can be defined as a psychological and emotional form of abuse that is characterized by gossip, teasing and exclusion. To make matters worse, today’s technology has made this type of abuse more than just a “normal” part of growing up. It has allowed bullies to follow their victims into their own households, disrupting and intruding on their safe haven.

In its simplest terms, bullying involves at least one person or group who consistently and repeatedly tries to harm someone else - especially, someone who is more vulnerable or less popular. Unlike physical bullying, which is more evident than its emotional counterpoint, emotional bullying can be direct and/or indirect. It can be threatening and intimidating with destructive results. Young girls who exclude, tease, taunt, name-call, steal and spread rumors of other girls are the bullies of the playground. They are not the big, bad boys that people envision. They are the pretty, petite, spoiled, popular girls who command a following of others- others who want to be associated with and be like the “popular girl”.

Whereas the effects of physical bullying are outwardly evident, emotional abuse leaves no visible bruises. It’s hard not to see black eyes, scrapes and scratches. Yet, the unseen effects of relational aggression are harder to heal. Over time, not only can this abuse ruin the lives of its victims but of others as well. Victims of this type of emotional bullying can feel afraid, anxious and depressed. They can become reserved, insecure and feel hopeless. Extreme incidents have led teens to drop out of school, take drugs, partake in acts of self-injury- such as cutting, and contemplate suicide, even murder.

With today’s technology, the bullying doesn’t end at school. In fact, it worsens at home when the bedroom door closes and the computer is turned on. Instant messages, email, away messages, blogs, and community portals such as MySpace and Friendster, have allowed words to leave deep scars. When it comes to online communications, it is much easier for people act differently. There is no face-to-face interaction. Young girls can put up a front. It is easier to insult, tease, and degrade someone when you’re not looking her in the face. Additionally, the Internet allows for multiple people to take part in the harassment at the same time. Different individuals, logging on, all attacking one person can be extremely overwhelming. With a click of the mouse, a hurtful rumor, story or photo can be instantly distributed to tens even hundreds of other classmates.

Even worse than the immediacy of IM’s and email, is the permanent exposure of websites and blogs. A photo, video, or story can be posted indefinitely, leaving the victim feeling helpless. By posting or emailing a degrading or embarrassing message, it is out there for the world to see, not just the three or four girls in the classroom. With this type of online bullying, teachers and parents can be oblivious to the extent of its reach and effectiveness. Although this form of “cyber-bullying” is increasing with the evolution of technology, the participants are still overwhelmingly female, due to their tendency to avoid direct confrontation and physical contact.

This is an increasingly troublesome problem and not one that has a simple solution. Whether it’s in the classroom, playground, or in cyber-space, name-calling and teasing will continue to exist. Young girls and boys alike will encounter bullies and enemies throughout their educational years and beyond. Therefore, it becomes the responsibility of teachers, parents, guardians and counselors to not only recognize the signs of relational aggression, but to inform and educate as well. Adults must be able to help these young victims. By instilling in them a sense of confidence and assertiveness, young girls will not only be able to express their frustration and anger, but will have the assurance they need to ask for help and begin to build other healthy friendships. Only when someone is able to open up and talk can a healthy support system be formed.