Deceptive World of Social Manipulation, Tears, Tragedy

by Sara Fade

Imagine a world full of deception, lies and backstabbing. No, it’s not the seedy underbelly of politics but the hidden world of girl relationships. Relational aggression is a topic that has garnered media attention and public awareness ever since researcher Nicki Crick and her colleagues of the University of Minnesota did a groundbreaking study on covert aggression in girls in 1995.

What is relational aggression? Rachel Simmons, author of Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, describes it as “unlike boys, who tend to bully acquaintances or strangers, girls frequently attack within tightly knit friendship networks, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to the victims, within the hidden culture of aggression, girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists and knives. In this world, friendship is a weapon, and the sting of a shout pales in comparison to a day of someone’s silence”. In other words, the adage “with friends like these who needs enemies” rings all too true.

In relational aggression, girls recycle friends at their convenience, viewing them as a means to an end. This is a highly effective way to hurt someone since girls value friendship so much during these years that any trouble with them is highly traumatic. And who knows better how to hurt girls then other girls? Imagine becoming best friends with a girl who you tell all your secrets only to have them use your secrets against you.

The “alpha girls”, or the popular girls, tend to be the most socially savvy and reflects the culture’s feminine ideal. She dresses right, is pretty, smart but not too smart, and is a force to be reckoned with. She is a leader in her group of friends, telling them what to wear, what not to wear, and whom they can talk to and whom they can’t. But it’s not just mere rules that are being set. Gossiping, rumors, backstabbing, exclusion, and e-bullying are frequent tools to victimize other girls. Alpha girls are not the only ones who are relationally aggressive. Many girls who want to be friends with alpha girls will use each other to gain favor in their group of friends.

The plotting and scheming that goes on between girls are all covert acts of aggression. These alpha girls can create a situation where they can damage someone and not be blamed for it. It’s a way to hurt someone and not have to be responsible for it.

What makes relational aggression so scary is that both girls and society think relational aggression is a common behavior among girls and is tolerated by peers, school officials, and parents. This behavior can start in girls early as 3-5 years old but becomes more prevalent in the middle school years. Much of the verbal abuse and most damaging behavior is indirect and not visible to adults.

Relational aggression not only affects the victim, but everyone involved: the aggressor, the victim, and the bystander. The aggressors never learn how to form genuine friendships, viewing people as something to control or manipulate. Victims have a higher rate of absenteeism, suffer from low self-esteem and deal with anxiety and depression. Their grades usually slip and their academic life suffers. The bystander who witnesses other girls being victimized often times don’t know what to do and feels just as powerless as the victim. Because the aggression is geared towards someone else, many of the bystanders end up justifying what is happening to the other girl and eventually feeling less for them. As all these girls form their ideas of intimacy and relationships during this time, relational aggression has a deep impact on how they define roles for the future.

There are many different things parents and school officials can do to help young girls deal with relational aggression. The first step is to squash the belief that this behavior is normal and acceptable. If thinking remains that relational aggression is a part of school life and growing up, the behavior will never change. One way to change this is to bring the behavior out into the open and to confront it. Parents can teach their children how to deal with negative actions and how to stand up for themselves and others. School officials can implement anti-bullying programs that teach acceptance and awareness of one another and establish school policies that target relational aggression.

Many organizations are available to help girls with this problem. The Ophelia Project helps schools establish a school wide change and offers resources for young girls. Club Ophelia is run out of Pennsylvania and is a hands on approach that teaches girls how to identify and eradicate negative behavior while instilling a sense of pride and raise self esteem among young girls.

Girls Inc. is another organization run out of Northwest Oregon. It reaches over 700 groups in elementary, middle, and high school. They conduct meetings with 10-15 girls for one hour to discuss, educate, and teach techniques to spot and stop relational aggression at school.

Locally, information is available from the Girl Scouts of Nassau County Inc., quickly becoming the “go-to” organization on this critical issue by developing training programs for interested adults and a curriculum for youngsters. They are available at 516.741.1550 or speaker@gsnc.org GSNC has teamed up with the leading national specialists, the Ophelia Project, in these developmental efforts at confronting relational aggression.

Online information from Ophelia Project, at www.opheliaproject.org , from

Club Ophelia at www.clubophelia.com or Girls Inc. at www.girlsinititiavenetwork.org is easily available.

Other websites for more information on relational aggression can be found at: Relational Aggression at http://www.relationalaggression.com , Children Today at http://childrentoday.com/resources/articles/emotionalbullying.htm , and In the Know Zone at http://www.intheknowzone.com/relational_aggression/index.html

There’s a great site for teens and younger girls as well as parents at www.namesdohurt.com These sites provide parents with the tools and knowledge to help their daughters deal with problems that many young girls face today but don’t always talk about.